haziranın bitebilirliği üzerine

o kadar pürüzsüz geçti ki haziran
hissetmedim.

geç kalmışlık hissiyatımı aldırdım.

she wore

the ballad of reading gaol - wilde

***
yet each man kills the thing he loves,
by each let this be heard,
some do it with a bitter look,
some with a flattering word.
the coward does it with a kiss,
the brave man with a sword!

some kill their love when they are young,
and some when they are old;
some strangle with the hands of lust,
some with the hands of gold:
the kindest use a knife, because
the dead so soon grow cold

some love too little, some too long,
some sell and others buy;
some do the deed with many tears,
and some without a sigh:
for each man kills the thing he loves,
yet each man does not die.
***

//.

saf pazar sabahı modu

you say my love for you's not real
but you don't know how real it feels
all I want to do is to spend some time with you
so I can hold you, hold you
your sister says that I'm no good
i'd reassure her if I could
all I want to do is to spend some time with you
so I can hold you, hold you

t s eliot

what we call the beginning is often the end
and to make an end is to make a beginning
the end is where we start from. / little gidding

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

do i dare
disturb the universe?
in a minute there is time
for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
for i have known them all already, known them all: --
have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
i have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
i know the voices dying with a dying fall
beneath the music from a farther room.
so how should i presume?
and i have known the eyes already, known them all --
the eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
and when i am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
when i am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
then how should i begin
to spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
and how should i presume? / the love song of alfred j prufrock

miles+hancock

all the love gone bad turned my world to black
tattooed all i see, all that i am, all i'll ever be yi dinledim bugun

bir şarkının bende gelebileceği son noktaya gelmiş kendisi.
hoşgeldin.

music sounds better with me

[twenty-nine pearls in your kiss, a singing smile,
coffee smell and lilac skin, your flame in me.
i'm only here for this moment.
i know everybody here wants you.]


"All I know is I'm losing my mind," Franny said. "I'm just sick of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else's. I'm sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting. It's disgusting-it is, it is. I don't care what anybody says." - franny and zooey

birilerinden alıntı yapmayı yazmaya tercih etme durumu var, evet. :: life itself is a quotation, j l borges. :: Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation, o wilde. :: I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation, b shaw. ::

ooof

aşkım da değişebilir gerçeklerim de
pırılpırıl dalgalı bir denize karşı
yangelmişim dizboyu sulara
hepinize iyi niyetle gülümsüyorum
hiçbirinizle döğüşemem
siz ne derseniz deyiniz
benim bir gizli bildiğim var
sizin alınız al inandım
sizin morunuz mor inandım
ben tam dünyaya göre
ben tam kendime göre
ama sizin adınız ne
benim dengemi bozmayınız

t. u.

drops

robert desnos

I've dreamed of you so much that you're losing your reality.
Is it already too late for me to embrace your literal, living and breathing physical body and to kiss that mouth which is the birthplace of that voice which is so dear to me?
I've dreamed of you so much that my arms--which have become accustomed to lying crossed upon my own chest after attempting to encircle your shadow--might not be able to unfold again to embrace the contours of your literal form, perhaps.
So that coming face-to-face with the actual incarnation of what has haunted me and ruled me and dominated my life for so many days and years might very well turn me into a shadow.
Oh equilibriums of the emotional scales!
I've dreamed of you so much that it might be too late for me to ever wake up again.
I sleep on my feet, body confronting all the usual phenomena of life and love and yet when it comes to you--you, the only being on the planet who matters to me now--
I can no more touch your face and lips than I can those of the next random passer-by.
I've dreamed of you so much, have walked and talked and slept so much with your phantom presence that perhaps the only thing left for me to do now is to become a phantom among phantoms, a shadow a hundred times more shadowy than that shifting shape which moves and which will go on moving, stepping lightly and happily across the sundial of your life.

adore my idol

sesin, okuduklarım, gözlerim...
aslında artık bu kadar fark etmeyeceğini bilseydim 2-3-4-5 ay önce, daha çok ağlardım seninle. belki her şey daha çabuk olurdu. olurmuydu?
zamanlamamız müthiş. zaman bizim için çok dakik.
daha önce yaşadığımız bir mizansen, farklı yerlerde. ama daha önemlisi farklı kişilerle. ne sen gördükleri karşısında içi ürperen kızsın artık, ne de duydukları karşısında hıçkıran kız, benim.
kendim için endişelenmiyorum ama
sen

bilene bilene tükenen bıçak,
bir şeyler yap,
eskimeden gökyüzünün kutlu maviliği...

vay be.

birds flying high you know how i feel
sun in the sky you know how i feel
reeds drifting on by you know how i feel
it's a new dawn it's a new day it's a new life for me
and i'm feeling good



teoride melek
pratikte tanrı

playlist

do you applaud fear do you hold it near are you afraid to live your life the way i perceive in my arms i’ll catch you do you mind if i always love you heaven’s gonna burn your eyes

all i need is a little time, to get behind this sun and cast my weight, all i need is a peace of this mind, then i can celebrate. all in all there's something to give, all in all there's something to do, all in all there's something to live,
with you ...

is this what you want? do you want a piece of mine? tell me now are you short of cash? our thing was made to last tell me, tell me now, tell me why

a kiss is not just a kiss a smile is more than a smile maybe we get together maybe forever maybe just for a while i've seen the look in your eye i've seen you wondering why
there's a centre of gravity brings you near to me nearer all the time and I'm hypnotised petrified every time you walk by and i can't get you out of my mind

this love i think i'm gonna fall again and ever when you held my hand it didn't mean a thing, this love

there is a place look for me here there is a place look for me there oh my love don't take it too serious

sometimes the things i do astound me mostly whenever you're around me lately i seem to walk as though i have wings and to sing like someone in love

if all the statues in the world would turn to flesh with teeth of pearl
would they be kind enough to comfort me the setting sun is set in stone and it remains for me alone to carve my own and set it free

chihiro

mad

honey

does that scare you? i'll let you run away
and my big secret - gonna win you over
slow like honey, heavy with mood

and you'll wonder what it is about me

o. w.

some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go

jeffbuckleykıvamı

şimdi yatağa yatıp ensesini düşünücem
oh be

platon benimle gurur duyardı.

call of didem

I lie in an early bed thinking late thoughts
Waiting for the black to replace my blue
I do not struggle in your web because it was my aim to get caught
But daddy longlegs, I feel that I'm finally growing weary
Of waiting to be consumed by you
Give me the first taste
Let it begin, heaven cannot wait forever
Darling just start the chase
I'll let you win, but you must make the endeavor

to love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.

o. wilde
wilder
the wildest

phew

kiss me out of desire babe not consolation

everything in its right place

pleasure delay: you keep the relation casual, until the absolute breaking point.

and is that dignity?

short but dense

i have loved, let us see if thats all.

ılık miskin mellow

summertime
and the living is easy
fish are jumpin'
and the cotton is high
your dady's rich
and your ma's good lookin'
so hush little baby
don't cry
one of these mornin's
you're gonna rise up singin'
you're gonna spread your wings
and fly to the sky
but 'til that moment
nothin' can harm you
with your daddy and mummy
standin' by

bu mu libido

süper güzel bi gün.
haziran.
her şey mümkün.

never thought it was possible

boy oh boy

winnie the pooh

film o kadar uzundu ki lenslerim kurudu. veya ben yeterince göz sıvısı üretemedim.
yetersizim.

aslında şimdi gözüm ajandama takılınca lenslerin değişme dakikası, saati, günü geçmiş onu farkettim.
unutkanım.

defining clause gibiyim, gereksiz bilgi veriyorum.

love again

i heard a rumor from a friend and another one said it was impossible to push your feelings away i heard it took a lifetime for someone to forget a love but she did yes she did forget it at last
i need a friend i need you
i need a friend to take me home again i need you to make it true
they said it could be better if i let my love be a part of me to let in, to be brave without games or lies
but what if everything that i give to you make you scared, make you leave will i ever dare to love again
i need a friend i need you

baxter

anlamamak konusunda yetenekliyim.
uludağ da kayak hocası olasım geliyo.



en iyisi anlamamak
aramamak
aranmamak

allah açlıkla terbiye etmesin.

aqua

a kiss is not just a kiss

my funny valentine

chasing amy

alyssa jones: why are we stopping?
holden mcneil: because i can't take this.
alyssa jones: can't take what?
holden mcneil: i love you.
alyssa jones: you love me?
holden mcneil: i love you. and not, not in a friendly way, although i think we're great friends. and not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although i'm sure that's what you'll call it. i love you. very, very simple, very truly. you are the epitome of everything i have ever looked for in another human being. and i know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. but i had to say it. i just, i can't take this anymore. i can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. i can't, i can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. i can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. and i know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but i had to say it, because i've never felt this way before, and i don't care. i like who i am because of it. and if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. but god, i just, i couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. and, you know, i'll accept that. but i know...i know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. all i ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person i am when i'm with you, and i would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. because it is there between you and me. you can't deny that. even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that i'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while i do appreciate it - i'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

the world grows dark and bones get cold you look into your heart and you know there's something still missing // wanna feel my heart break if it must break in your jaws
want you to lick my blood off your paws //

;;duygusal anlamda bu çağda yaşamıyorum;;

çikolata yeme istenci. yaşadığın günün yüzüne yapıştığını hissedip neutrogena yardımıyla temizlemek. aynaya baktığında sana gülen gözler görmek. güzel kokmak. beyaz tşört giyen bir erkeği beğenmek. dişlerini fırçaladıktan sonra su içmek. kafanı kaşırken yuvarlak minik parçacıklarla mücadele edip başarılı olmak, yazılması gereken yazıları düşünüp sigara içmek. kavanozda bir balık besleyebildiğine şaşırıp - post nemo syndrome - balığa acımak. balığın depresyonda olup hep uyuması...
ne istediğini bilmeyen bir insanı istemek.

öyle bir havada gel ki
vazgeçmek mümkün olmasın.

e e cummings

::

if you disappear
solemnly
myselves
ask "life, the question how do i drink dream smile

and how do i prefer this face to another and
why do i weep eat sleep - what does the whole intend"
they wonder. oh and they cry "to be, being, that i am alive
this absurd fraction in its lowest terms
with everything cancelled
but shadows
-what does it all come down to? love? Love
if you like and i like,for the reason that i
hate people and lean out of this window is love,love
and the reason that i laugh and breathe is oh love and the reason

that i do not fall into this street is love."

::

çeviri revisited

Brenda’yı ilk gördüğümde benden gözlüklerini tutmadı istedi. Daha sonra atlama tahtasının kenarına geçip havuza sisli gözlerle baktı; havuz boşaltılmış olabilirdi ve miyop Brenda’nın ruhu bile duymazdı. Suya güzelce daldı. Bir saniye sonra tekrar havuzun kenarına yüzüyordu. Gevşekçe toplanmış kestane renkli saçı, sanki uzun bir dalın gülüymüş gibi, havaya dikildi. Yavaşça köşeye ilerledi ve arkamda durdu. ‘Teşekkürler,’ dedi, sulanmış gözlerle. Gözlüklerini almak için elini uzattı ama arkasını dönüp uzaklaşana kadar onları takmadı. Çekip gidişini izledim. Elleri bir anda arkasında belirdi. Mayosunun arkasını baş ve işaret parmaklarıyla yakaladı ve görünen tenini ait olduğu yere soktu. Kalbim yerinden oynadı. - philip roth
& didem

anlaşalım...bugün ben söylüyorum, sen dinliyosun.

you know when you've found it,
there's something i've learned
'cause you feel it when they take it away

q7

we are agreed - come on: we are agreed - about beauty in the flesh. consensus is possible here. and in the mathematics of the universe, beauty helps tell us whether things are false or true. we can quickly agree about beauty, in the heavens and in the flesh. but not everywhere. not, for instance, on the page. - amis

şeffaf

love taught me to lie

step a little closer to me so i can't see what's going on

when you know that you just don't know

elephants can remember

come all ye lost
dive into moss
i hope that my sanity covers the cost
to remove the stain of my love
paper maché

come all ye reborn
blow off my horn
i'm driving real hard
this is love, this is porn
god will forgive me
but i, i whip myself with scorn, scorn

i wanna hear what you have to say about me
hear if you're gonna live without me
i wanna hear what you want
i remember december
and i wanna hear what you have to say about me
hear if you're gonna live without me
i wanna hear what you want
what the hell do you want?


d. r.

unavailable

akacak kan damarda durmaz
ve
ısrarcı olmamak lazım.

o la la

4 kişilik yazı

bir dirseğin tutuluşu.
we have been there and done that. (birinci kişi, sen)

bugün arabaya bindiğimde, içersi hamam gibiydi, ama yağmur da yağabiliyordu tüm yüzsüzlüğüyle. motorla beraber

dont you know that ive been running from your heart

da çalıştı. (ikinci kişi, ben)

bugün, o gün. yüklenecek anlamlarının yarattığı hiçliğe sonunda gülümseyebildiğim. (üçüncü kişi, kişiliksiz)

ve düşünülenin önceliği bu kadar değişmişken, düşünülen bu kadar kaypakken, ve ben bu kadar iyiyken,

and i feel like youve been running too.

(dördüncü kişi: o)

texture

beyaz düşüncelerle dururken beyaz çarşafların arasında
şöyle beyaz bir şiir okudum

[

i like my body when it is with your
body. it is so quite a new thing.
muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones,and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh....And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill
of under me you so quite new

]

artık beyaz düşünmüyorum.

quel dommage

there it was, he thought, locked up in that fine head (...) then why not prise it open? why not share it (...) why can't he flow? Why can't he pull the string of the shower-bath? why's it all locked up, refrigerated? - woolf, the years

o-

in secret we met
in silence i grieve
that thy heart could forget
thy spirit deceive
if i should meet thee
after long years
how should i greet thee?
with silence and tears. - lord byron

o-o

to look life in the face
always
to look life in the face
and to know it
for what it is
and at last
to know it
to love it
for what it is
and then
put it away - woolf

o-o-

-why could u not return to this girl you love?
-really, it is too complicated...
-then it is usual. not unusual -fowles, the magus

o-o-o

since the external disorder and extravagant lies
the baroque frontiers, the surrealist police;
what can truth treasure, or heart bless,
but a narrow strictness? - w.h. auden

o-o-o-

o rose, thou art sick!
the invisible worm,
that flies in the night,
in the howling storm,
has found out thy bed
of crimson joy;
and his dark secret love
does thy life destroy. - w. blake

o-o-o-o

muss es sein?
es muss sein.

.

want somebody to blow my mind

so the lady vanishes

tadzio

q6

How can another see into me, into my most secret self, without my being able to see in there myself? And without my being able to see him in me. And if my secret self, that which can be revealed only to the other, to the wholly other, to God if you wish, is a secret that I will never reflect on, that I will never know or experience or possess as my own, then what sense is there in saying that it is my secret, or in saying more generally that a secret belongs, that it is proper to or belongs to some one, or to some other who remains someone. It's perhaps there that we find the secret of secrecy. Namely, that it is not a matter of knowing and that it is there for no one. A secret doesn't belong, it can never be said to be at home or in its place. The question of the self: who am I not in the sense of who am I but rather who is this I that can say who? What is the- I and what becomes of responsibility once the identity of the I trembles in secret? - Derrida

so it's another way
i'll take it back
i always do

bir şey yapmandan
korkuyorum
bir şey yapmamandan

music: madrugada - shine

bir aydınlanma
enlightenment
epiphany

blending of languages

ur-didem

arkasında durabilmeli insan kendisinin,

müsadenizle.

prsna

q5 - status quo

incinmesin mevzu diye ele alamıyorsun heyecandan. sıcak fincan tutmaya çalışmak gibi. - ck

ÖTE
den de öte bir yer olmalı
dingin.
Denizin artık kıyısı olmayan
serin.
Ne, neler olduğunu farketmeyen
senin -
yalnız - sen
senin.

Olmalı.

Var.


o. a.

q4

can i not be? can i be someone else?
if i'm me, can i do anything but what i do? - kundera

i could be your friend
i could be your stranger
i could be the one your mother said would be a danger
now it's up to you

halet-i ruhiye yi cümle içinde kullanmak istiyorum ne zamandır,
ehven-i şer için de aynı şey söz konusu.
böyle bir takım insanlar var günlük hayatta, şak diye söylüyorlar bu tarz lafları filan.
benimse durup düşünmem lazım, hatta ehven-i şer i not almam bile gerekebilir.

neyse ki ben de hiç beklenmedik bir anda deception diyebilir beklemedikleri yerden vurabilirim.
idiosyncrasy, daha etkili.

more than this

-haziranın gelebilirliği üzerine-

sein und zeit

içinde kötülüğü yok, biliyorum;
yok, benim de yok ama...
olmaz ki!